In my eternal quest to shut up those people asking me to review shit all the time, here’s a review… of a book. Unlike song reviews, I figure that a book review might actually be vaguely useful to some of you. Sure, reviewing the latest written-while-taking-a-shit song from SM or YG might be good for web traffic and ego-stroking but what’s the point of me throwing down my worthless, annoying opinion on a song when you can just go to YouTube, listen to it yourself and make up your own mind? On the other hand, books are less of a try-before-you-buy proposition so you might actually want to know a bit about what’s in these fucks before you buy them, so in my mission to get k-pop fans to occasionally put down their iMaxipads and read a fucking book (those things with the pages, you’ve seen them, right?) I now bring to you this review. Please enjoy it. Or not.
I spend a lot of time debunking the bullshit surrounding k-pop and helping people to see the reality behind the curtain of fairy floss, but what I haven’t ever really done is helped anyone deal with the emotional fallout from having those rose-coloured glasses taken off. I also don’t want to be blamed for a spate of fangirl suicides so I feel that it’s time that I stepped up to the plate with some assistance. Help for you deludus is here, Kpopalypse style!
Sport. I’m against it generally, and I’m even more against it in k-pop. This post is about why sport and k-pop need to remain separate, and I’ve made it because it’s one of those things that people are always asking me about. Usually I just say “I’m a musician – sport is against my religion” when people ask but since you blog readers are so lovely I feel like I owe you a little more detail and entertainment than that. Also I’m not seeing anyone else blogging about this shit and it’s a Kpopalypse specialty to brazenly wander into topics that other bloggers won’t touch with a ten foot T-ara lightstick for fear of being cyber-stoned to death by the Internet hordes.
WARNING: this post may contain Australian cultural trufax, including gratuitous references to Drop Bears.
I dropped a comment a while back stating that CL was the only female k-pop idol who displayed anything resembling stage presence. This horrified nearly everyone – fans of 2NE1 were concerned that this praise for CL was uncharacteristic of my normal online behaviour and perhaps indicative of massive hard drug use or mental breakdown, whereas everyone else was like “b-b-b-but, what about MY bias? I think they’re great! Doesn’t [insert bias here] have stage presence?”
Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth when you tell a k-pop fan that their bias doesn’t have stage presence…. but they really don’t. This post will explain why they don’t have it, and also why you shouldn’t care.
That’s right cao ni mas, it’s time for another episode of:
You probably already know the rules, but here they are again:
- Less than 20,000 hits on YouTube
- Nobody outside Korea gives a shit
Let’s do it.
So, an article just came out about 2NE1′s Bom mailing drugs, and it reminded me that I’d been planning a post for a while now about drugs and the music business. I’m not really that interested in commenting on the Bom situation specifically (after all it’s already been done here, here, and of course here and probably countless other places by the time you read this, and plus I don’t really give a shit about it anyway, if she’s getting fucked up on some good shit good luck to her) but I thought instead k-pop fans might appreciate a general demystification around drugs, the music business, and how likely it is that their bias is about to sell their bodies for a shot of heroin or take bath salts and eat their manager’s face off.
It’s halfway through 2014 when writing this post and I already can’t count the amount of people who have asked me to throw down my opinions on my favourite songs of 2014. However, I deliberately make a point of not doing lists like that in advance in order to give every song a chance to be included, so you’re just gonna have to wait. In 2013 I even mercilessly mocked people who released “best of the year” lists many months before the year was over, so damned if I’m going down that route myself. While you’re waiting, to keep you happy/shut you up how about a similar post with a list of my favourite k-pop songs from the past few years before I started blogging?
Note before you read ahead that this post contains 30 YouTube videos and might take a while to load on slow computers or on your crappy iWhatsit or whatever you kids use these days.
Recently I made a post about how to deal with k-pop haters. In this post I focused on the most intelligent arguments that I could find against k-pop and took their arguments apart piece by piece, thereby (hopefully) demonstrating that it’s quite okay to like whatever music you like and other people can basically go and suck a fat dick if they have a problem with it.
However, it seems that this wasn’t exactly the kind of help that many of you readers needed. Quite a few regular blog followers responded with the observation that not every argument against k-pop is intellectual, and that instead of knowing what to say to the smart guys, you wanted to know what to say to the basic trolls with absolutely fuckin’ stupid arguments that make no goddamn sense at all. Never fear, Kpopalypse is here to help once again!
Welcome to Kpopalypse Endorsement Test, a new series where Kpopalypse uses product endorsements to answer the big questions affecting k-pop fans! In today’s episode we tackle the following question:
Are Korean actresses ‘on another level’ to K-pop idols?
It’s well-documented (by me) that I’m not much of a fan of writing song reviews. However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.
The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long. Who’s got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks? Certainly not the average k-pop listener – isn’t our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?
Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I’m going to review each one… in only five words! You’ll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these! Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!