The classiest and sexiest post that ever was both classy and sexy

I’ve recently written blogs about k-pop’s “sexy concepts” and also about “cute concepts“, and the non-existent differences between them, because everybody is so fucking fascinated by these topics.  Now I’ve been alerted to a new contender on the k-pop scene: “classy sexy” concepts.

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What the fuck even is “classy sexy”?  Is it even a real thing?  Does it exist in k-pop?  Does anybody care?  Well, I care, because the word “sexy” is in there, so therefore time to investigate!

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“The male gaze” debunked for k-pop fans

So Red Velvet’s new song came out and Kpopalypse doesn’t give a flying fuck.  Why?

  1. It sounds like miss A’s “Breathe“, which I thought was shit.
  2. I’m too busy fapping to the debut by nugus 4Ladies who have a much better song AND a better MV.

I’m sure every blog out there is going to have a 4Ladies review, given the sheer amount of tears being generated from fangirls thanks to the video director taking the sexual content to the next level in k-pop or whatever the fuck you want to call two women doing this sort of tame, coy stuff:

Hey it takes special tactics to be noticed when your nugu group debuts in the same week as SM’s new girl group and naturally I’m all for it.  Of course, you can’t tell people shit – whenever something like this happens, all the armchair feminists come out to play, throwing around stupid terms that they only half-understand.  Some of you have noticed that the latest round of tears from k-pop liking pseudo-feminist dickheads has been infused with a term called “the male gaze” so I thought I’d take a little time out of my fap schedule to explain exactly what the fucking fuck that means to prepare you to deal with the onslaught of complete bullshit that you’ll soon be reading in every 4Ladies article.

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Kpopalypse fashion class – horizontal black and white stripes

Never one to shy away from the important issues surrounding k-pop, it’s time for Kpopalypse to cover an often-misunderstood and misrepresented topic of great importance – the effect of horizontal black and white stripes on boob perception.  Welcome to Kpopalypse fashion class!

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If you’re anything like me, you’ll be very sick and tired of the superfluous fashion articles that appear in k-pop media.  You’ve all seen them – some lazily tossed-off article about “oooh, look what [insert idol here] wore today, wow, isn’t she so classy!”.  If these worthless articles are not just paid for by the record company to help boost the idol’s profile, they’re churned out by the media outlet simply because nothing interesting was happening that week and someone had an article quota to meet – but they’re functionally fairly useless.  If you’re into k-pop fashion (or perving at k-pop fashion), surely you want some information that you can actually use.  Don’t worry, Kpopalypse has got you covered!

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Book review: Kpop Now – The Korean Music Revolution

In my eternal quest to shut up those people asking me to review shit all the time, here’s a review… of a book.  Unlike song reviews, I figure that a book review might actually be vaguely useful to some of you.  Sure, reviewing the latest written-while-taking-a-shit song from SM or YG might be good for web traffic and ego-stroking but what’s the point of me throwing down my worthless, annoying opinion on a song when you can just go to YouTube, listen to it yourself and make up your own mind?  On the other hand, books are less of a try-before-you-buy proposition and you might actually want to know a bit about what’s in these fucks before you buy them, so in my mission to get k-pop fans to occasionally put down their iMaxipads and read a fucking book (those things with the pages, you’ve seen them, right?) I now bring to you this review.  Please enjoy it.  Or not.

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The 7 stages of k-pop fangirl grief

I spend a lot of time debunking the bullshit surrounding k-pop and helping people to see the reality behind the curtain of fairy floss, but what I haven’t ever really done is helped anyone deal with the emotional fallout from having those rose-coloured glasses taken off.  I also don’t want to be blamed for a spate of fangirl suicides so I feel that it’s time that I stepped up to the plate with some assistance.  Help for you deludus is here, Kpopalypse style!

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Sport and k-pop should not mix

Sport.  I’m against it generally, and I’m even more against it in k-pop.  This post is about why sport and k-pop need to remain separate, and I’ve made it because it’s one of those things that people are always asking me about.  Usually I just say “I’m a musician – sport is against my religion” when people ask but since you blog readers are so lovely I feel like I owe you a little more detail and entertainment than that.  Also I’m not seeing anyone else blogging about this shit and it’s a Kpopalypse specialty to brazenly wander into topics that other bloggers won’t touch with a ten foot T-ara lightstick for fear of being cyber-stoned to death by the Internet hordes.

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WARNING: this post may contain Australian cultural trufax, including gratuitous references to Drop Bears.

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Stage presence – what it is, what it isn’t, and why your bias doesn’t have any

I dropped a comment a while back stating that CL was the only female k-pop idol who displayed anything resembling stage presence.  This horrified nearly everyone – fans of 2NE1 were concerned that this praise for CL was uncharacteristic of my normal online behaviour and perhaps indicative of massive hard drug use or mental breakdown, whereas everyone else was like “b-b-b-but, what about MY bias?  I think they’re great!  Doesn’t [insert bias here] have stage presence?”

Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth when you tell a k-pop fan that their bias doesn’t have stage presence…. but they really don’t.  This post will explain why they don’t have it, and also why you shouldn’t care.

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